Forever and never

As a little kid I used to go out and play
no problems or worries, and every day
I felt alive.

Hopes and dreams holding on to me
exceptional and promising,
but never did I see
a dark mass, coming from behind
an empty vision, ready to remind me
all that I am, and never will be.

My mind, a continuous game
that I can never restrain.

The past is dead.

Beware of the closure

Sometimes it's hard to explain
How to deal with pain
I'm not a walking sinner
More or less a crawling winner.

I said that I would live the life
That I always wanted
But what if there's nothing to give
And I'm being haunted
Fuck the rules, fuck the crowd
I should not care less
Or maybe I'm just thinking too loud
And conditionally depressed.

I'll start straight-faced
Inside this place
I temporarily created
One day you'll see me laughing
At that person I used to hate.

Selfish signal

Don’t bring me back
Don’t bring me back
To what feels like a heart attack
Don’t close the curtains
Cause they are blocking my view
Don’t ever see coming
What is supposed to be you
I tried, I really did
But somehow it doesn’t fit.

How can we be happy
When I’m all the way down
How can we be happy
When I took my own crown
And threw it away
For no sense at all
I promised, I know I did
But I can not possibly be the person
You desire to be with.

400 miles

Heading for open waters
Swimming through hard waves of pain
But it makes no sense at all
Cause I’m feeling so ashamed
Please forgive me
The shores were too far away
But I would stay here for you
If you still think that’s ok
Because my heart is skipping beats
And has been spread out over seas
He has to know what he needs to see
What I can think or what I could be
Maybe I’ll leave just for today
And give it another try
But as I try to swim
My vows stay left to dry
I can’t drag them into the water
But I promise that I’ve tried
So don’t let me sink, don’t let me drown
Though there’s a distance
Of 400 miles.

The end where I begin

Precisely knowing who I am
What I feel en what I do
Precisely knowing what I feel for you
But how can I not know how or when
And how it changes now and then.

It hurts
But what hurts most
Is that you see
You precisely know
But not how or when
And if you can
Help.

I can cry
Without tears
You don’t want me to
I want me to
But I still love you
More than anything
It’s just a fragile string
Which is too far away for you to notice
If I don’t fall back
Into the same routine
I promise
Next time
I’ll be fine.

The Hangover

I’ve been awake
For such a long time
Drinking, dancing
Chained to a line
Of repeating, stealing
The dignity of lust
Smoking, hoping
For a bond or some trust
I follow your footsteps
Straight to your bed
Pulling up the sheets
Reaching my head
Controlling my mind
I’m spinning around
So I’ll lay here once more
Without making a sound
And I long for his body
As he closes the door
But how do I know
Where he did it for?
As streets turn empty
I see a glimpse of the sun
And again I know
The hangover has won.

Lost

Tell me
What did you expect?
Because your fragile mind is unreachable
When you are playing hard to get.
It are poisoned memories
Floating through my head
After all these things
You have finally said.

Tell them
What are you doing now?
Do you stand ground with all your pride
Or will you still cry somehow.
It seems like tears are dried up
But it doesn’t seem to stop
The dam from its breaking
And soon you’ll be taking
Those waters for yourself

Please tell yourself
What do I want?
Or what do I need?
Who do I love?
Am I leaving her to bleed?
As soon as you’ll find out
My questions are alone
Then you’ll see
Your answers need a home.